THE END IS NEEEEEEAAAAARRRRRR!!

So 2011 is getting ready to strut that ass right up outta here and its come and gone by so fast; I can't believe its almost over.

I'll be 27 in 2012 and I want something to show for it. I think I did a lot of good in 2011, what with graduating and finding a job in an awful economy; I've done better than most of my college mates. But overall, I think I could do some other things just to feel like I've accomplished something and not let another lazy year go by.

I made a list of things that I want to get done in 2012, all of which are the opposite of what I did this year.

Here's my list:

1) Get a haircut: As scared as I am to cut my hair, I want something different. I've already been told it will grow back to its current length as long as I take good care of it. (I'm still not 100% sure about this cutting situation. This is my hair after all, which just so happens to be on top of my head; therefore making it visible to others.)

2) See a doctor about my skin: I want this acne situation to be taken care of by the time I'm 30.

3) Redecorate my room: Cause I'm not 12 anymore, shit! I want to get my closet together because I'm not using a whole side and could totally use the space for my growing collection of shoes and dresses.

4) Apply to grad school: This is going to be a process. I was able to speak with someone at the University of Baltimore's Criminal Justice program and worked out a plan that will hopefully kick start my graduate plans. Because my GPA was so low, the chairperson of the Crim. J program told me to take 3 crim. classes at the community college, get A's in them all and send her one of my papers to prove that I can handle the workload and then we can talk about the application process. I intend on working (and reading) my ass off. I want this bad enough so I have to bust ass to get what I want.

5) Continue looking for work: This'll be hard because my class schedule is weird but I'll continue to look in hopes that I can get an interview somewhere at least.

6) Get a tattoo: CAUSE I FUCKIN WANT TO!

7) Go out on a date: CAUSE IT SEEMS LIKE THE RIGHT THING TO DO! Mind your business.

8) Do my life soundtrack: I want to put together a 15-track album of my favorite songs that actually have a meaning (not just because they're fun or popular). I know for a fact 'Sex on Fire' by Kings of Leon will be on there and possible '32 Flavors' by Alana Davis. I guess its more for like, if I die (heaven forbid) people can honestly tell a lot about who I was based on the music I loved.

So there's my list. I don't know how much I'll get done just because I'll be busy with school and work but I look forward to starting and trying to accomplish some of this stuff. Here's to hoping 2012 kicks ass.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Thanksgiving is a day when we are all suppose to give thanks for the things we're grateful for having in our lives. Of course, there were those who said something along the likes of:

"Happy Thanksgiving! But lets remember to be thankful everyday, not just ONE day"

Ok, I get that. But lets be honest, no one really gives a damn too much until the actual day of giving thanks.

I was able to have the day off from the world's most awful job (that I'm THANKFUL for), and spent the day with my family. Besides being thankful for the obvious things (family, friends, good health and health care, etc.), I thought about the little things in life that I'm thankful for that bring me joy on a regular, if not daily basis.

1) Pugs: those lil guys are SO cute and make me smile. (Look at that face!)



2) Music: "To some people, music is their religion. Going to a concert gives them a high like a Christian going to a revival. Anything that awakens that feeling inside that you are part of something bigger-whatever that is- that's good enough" Caleb Followill (Lead singer of Kings of Leon).

3) New York: Mostly just the city but the whole state is pretty rad. Its one of a few places that has everything! The best part is the diversity of the people.

4) Hello Kitty: If you need an explanation then you're an ass.

5) That Anderson Cooper: He's so fuckin dreamy

6) Chocolate and Wine: Really the only thing a single chick needs in life (besides Anderson Cooper)

7) My cell phone: As much as I hate to admit it, I really can't live too long without it. I don't get a ton of texts or calls but I check the internet like nobody's business. I can go a few hours without but essentially, I need it to get by.

8) Men: They can be insensitive, disrespectful, late, unreliable and just all-around shady but they're necessary to have around. And some of them are pretty too!

9) Leggings: So.Fucking.Comfortable. If there is a woman in America that doesn't own a pair, I will personally use my own money to get her some.

10) Banking establishments OTHER than Bank of America: They're a bunch of fuckers.

There are a ton more things I'm thankful for (like at-home relaxer kits), so I could literally go on and on about what I'm thankful for. Maybe I'll do that as a blog post once a week: something I'm thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving!



Are You the 1%....Who Thought Kim Kardashian's Marriage Would Last?



Kim K (thinking): I laugh cause we all know you're an idiot


Kris H (thinking): I'm ignoring you and your dumb laugh


Kim K (thinking): God, I'm so glad I found someone dumber than me.


Kris H (thinking): Thank GOD I'm getting paid to pretend to like her; its a full time damn job likin her ass.


Kim K (thinking): ::sigh:: I'm gonna make $20 million to pretend this is real. Just another day at work.




So lets take a tally of the 7 billion people on the Earth who though this shit show was going to last more than a year.

::cricket chirp::cricket chirp::

You don't have to raise your hands, but you should probably go kill yourself.

As I'm sure you all already know, Kim Kardashian and her 7ft retard are getting a divorce. Surprise? Nah. A part of me wants to think she really does want to get married...

Kim K (whining): But the fat orangutan got married. Why can't I?



...but the bigger part of me knows it was all for attention, fame and money. Mainly because Lindsey Lohan was invited; no one really invites her anywhere to do anything.

She's a has-been.

But anyway, I think we all saw this coming. Shit was just too freaky. How'd she find the biggest (literally and figuratively) nobody in the universe and marry his ass after knowing him for all of 5 months? My favorite part is that E!online issued a statement saying they were shocked and surprised. Really? The whole network was surprised that this ridiculousness came to an end? This is the same woman who, because all the camera crew couldn't fit to tape the wedding, un-invited people. How do you un-ivite someone to a wedding? Who does that?

Here are some hints that this shit was doomed from the word "Fuck":

A) Umm...Kris who? (Thought shared by everyone who reads gossip and the whole Kardashian Family)
B) Ooooooohhhhhh...he benchwarms for a shitty team and gets paid 8 million to do so (He's the 1%)
C) She has her whole "life" video taped for all to see but wanted privacy as a newlywed.
D) Her family turned down his idea to have burgers at the wedding reception (because it wasn't classy), but had an ignorant ass Swarvoski crystal cross at the wedding cause that's not over doing it.
E) The channel E! was around video tapping the whole.fucking.thing.
F) They did know each other for 5 months. Nothing says "I love you enough to marry you" like dating for 5 months.
G) They lived in completely different parts of the country and on completely different levels of intellect (yes, there are different levels of retardation.)

This list can go on and on really. The minute they got engaged, everyone looked to their left and looked to their right and asked their partner, "How long is this mess gonna last. Forever?! Wanna bet?"

At the end of the day, we all know this was a sham. Kris, in my opinion, seems to be genuinely a lil miffed, however we all know Kim doesn't give a damn. She'd do anything for money and to stay relevant. This may all seem like words from a hater (cause they are) but when you see some shit that looks fucked up, aren't you going to address it and say to yourself,

"This is some shit that looks fucked up"

The Shatner knows what the fuck I'm talkin about.

I'm almost positive that Kim's 'Fairytale Divorce' isn't going to proceed this shit, as there is a prenuptial agreement and it isn't dramatic enough to put on tv. A prenup right there is enough to make you wonder about a couple getting married. So lets see, Kim has already released a sex tape, posed nude several times, put out a single that people almost died listening to because it was so awful, designed a slut line for Sears (cause we know Kim is clippin Sears coupons on her days off), she's about to act in a movie by Tyler Perry (whom I just lost some respect for) and she got married and divorced at the same time. What else can she possibly do? She could get pregnant but I have a feeling that that is left for that special moment when her 15-minutes-of-fame clock touches around 14:58

The Warhol knows what the fuck I'm talkin about (mostly cause he said it originally. I just stole it)

Good To Go

 "White boy with an attitude..."

"Good to go, good to go,

good to go, good to go,

Fresh kicks, all day,

new fits, alright,

Drop hits, all day,

then party, all night"

Just In Time

Just as I was starting to give in to the idea that that feeling in my gut wasn't infact gas but lonliness, something awesome and kinda cute happened.

On Friday I decided to ditch work (thanks to me not giving a fuck and some peer pressure) and go out for alcohol and food with a friend. Just as we sat down, she brings up that she and her boyfriend of forever had a really big fight (again) and that she didn't want to sit around all day crying. I asked her what were they fighting about and before she went into her story, she bust out in to:

"...I know you hate talking about relationships..."

Not that this is even the point of the story, but I don't mind talking about relationships. I only mind when a person (most likely a girl) talks about their significant other like that person is the only reason to live. That's annoying. That will make me give you side-eye action and pray that you see the twinkle of attitude.

Anyway, my friend tells me about her relationship woes and I listen, giving her advice when and where I can. At this point, I may have or may have not mentioned the ex Boy. I'd been thinking about him so much and how we ended things a while ago. I'd been so sick of him not being sweet with me that I just ended it. I cried a little, then moved on only thinking of him here and there. Over the past few weeks though, I'd been thinking of him a lot. I received an email from him from months ago that I never responded too because it was hidden in a spam-type folder on Facebook. It was a video clip from youtube that reminded us both of our first date and how much I missed him.

We each responded to the email and it was left at that. While my friend was talking about her relationship troubles, I got a text messege from none other than the boy!

It went something along the lines of:

"I've been thinking of you a little. Not sure if you're interested but I'd like to buy you a drink tonight..."

Instead of responding right away like I wanted, I left it hanging in the air and went back to being an ear for my friend.

After lunch, I got in the car and decided to respond to the text with a simple:

"duh, I'd love to."

We met out and had a good time. We talked about what we had been up to since we last saw each other. It seemed a little bit different from the previous times we spent time together but it could be all in my head. We went back to his house and ended up falling sleep.

It was weird how we were both thinking of each other at the same time. I had intended on making contact first but I got to it before I did. I don't know what going to happen from this point, but it was good to reconnect. I hope things are a little different this time around. I honestly enjoy the time I spend with him and look forward to doing things together (if we ever find time). I'm just glad that we'er speaking to each other.

As for my friend, my advice is for her to break up with her boyfriend. She's 22 and has been with this guy for 6 years. She needs to let go and find out who she is without someone to worry about. Its easy to get lost in a relationship but its important to remember that life goes on if/when that person leaves you. If you don't know who you are without them, you'll be lost. Ultimately its her decision, but she's too young (in my opinion) to continue in a relationship where she's unhappy. She's wasting time loving being in a relationship and not loving herself.

But ultimately, it is her decision.

Is That a Gut Feeling...Or Gas?

Gah, my evaluation from work is coming up and I find out if I get to stay a lil while longer or if I get the axe. I have a feeling my boss will choose the former.

I don't know why she would, because I've had a slight incident at work with a kid that I wish didn't exist. Since then, I've been to work ON TIME, called out only once because I was genuinely ill and had no other complaints (that I know of). I hope the one run-in I had with my boss doesn't effect my evaluation.

I start my volunteer work tomorrow at the Family Tree. I decided to volunteer to give myself something to do. I'm so bored and on empty. Work, for a while there, drained me so much. The kids were just acting up so bad that I would come home physicaly, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I've been sleeping a lot lately because I'm just tired. A vacation would be awesome but I don't have any time just yet. At the Family Tree, I'll be doing paper work and NOT dealing with children or teaching parenting classes. I want something a little more relaxing. I hope that I can just sit at a desk and do work and not have to get up and curse people out. Gah.

I've also been getting into contact with people in the Criminal Justice programs at Towson and University of Baltimore. I'd really like to get my MS in Criminal Justice but I can still get into the field with a MS in Social Work (which I don't want to do. Its dumb.).

I have a lot of things going on to keep me busy and stressed out. The busier I am the better though.

The Heart of the Matter

"Holding a Grudge Is Letting Someone

Live Rent-Free in Your Head"

Truer words haven't been spoken!

Its funny, forgiveness is. We often times find things so reprehensible that a simple 'I'm sorry' isn't acceptable. What hurts one person, can seem petty to another. How much can someone apologize until the pain is gone? What can a person do to make it better, after having literally hurt your feelings to the core? On the opposite end, how do you let go of a grudge and when is it time to let go?

I have been thinking about grudges and letting go of things. I recently saw Sex and the City movie for the 800th time and the messege I always take away is the messege of forgiveness. It was so hard for Carrie to forgive Big after being stood up at the alter; harder for Charlotte. It was also hard for Miranda to accept Steve's apology. At the end of the movie, everyone made up and moved on, but forgiveness isnt' always like the movies.

Last night, while keeping the messege in mind, I read an article called The Power of Forgiveness in Ebony Magazine. The author talks about how she kicked a grudge and how she needed to understand betrayal in order to understand forgiveness. The article was inspiring because it comes at a time where I'm in the process of letting go of a grudge. The process is far harder than I thought it'd be.

I had a friend that I shared a dream of mine with, and it seemed like as soon as the words exited my mouth, she was off making my dream come true. I can't say how hurt I was that she took my idea, a dream I'd had for months, and carried them out the exact way I'd drawn them out in my mind. After paying her a visit, I couldn't stop thinking of the knife that was carved in my back. Was this jealousy? Perhaps. Was it the fact that my back ached so damn bad from the knife she planted? Perhaps.

I haven't talked to my friend since I last saw her; I have eliminated her from every aspect of my life. She hasn't tried to contact me either, which shows that she doesn't care too much about keeping contact with me either. Or maybe she does and doesn't know how to reach out. There are a million and one reasons why she hasn't tried to get a hold of me.

The grudge I hold against her for stealing my dream, at one point, had a pretty good hold on me. I cried several times over the matter not realizing how mad I actually was. Since having aired my problem to someone who'd listen and remain objective, I felt better but still held a grudge. These days, I'm moving on to the next phases of life, and I don't want to drag on this baggage. So where do I begin with letting go? The journey begins.

The first step I know I have to make is the inner journey. I have to find and then understand, how I feel and why I feel that way. All situations are two-sided and placing all blame on another isn't going to move this process along. I'm more insightful than most, I feel, so this part of the process won't be hard. The reaching out process is what I fear. I don't want to come off like I am attacking her, so I need to find a way to express myself without seeming like this is all completely, 100% her fault and the reason why we don't speak. The inner journey process should also include preparing for the fact that she might not even give a damn about how I feel. Letting go of the grudge is turning out to be a little harder than I thought.

I'm not expecting some big deal to come out of all of this. I may get nothing back from her, I may be pleasantly surprised. I'm not sure I want to be her friend anymore, but I want to get rid of the mountain on my shoulders, so that I can move on, not to necessarily re-start our friendship. As I want to let go of the grudge, I also want her to forgive me. I want her to understand that I am sorry our friendship fell apart and that it had to come to this before I could say something.

Holding a grudge is painful on the inside; an emotion that can be stong and overwhelming, much like loniless or sadness. Its just as hard to overcome and can consume someone physically, mentally and emotionally. Regardless of the outcome, I can at least be pleased that I tried, reached out and attempted to let go of the baggage. 

Besides, the only baggage anyone should carry is Louis Vuitton.





I Can't EVEN Begin To Tell You How Awful Shit Has Gotten

My positive and awesome outlook on life (that lasted all of two minutes) has been broken into a million little pieces.

Yesterday, Friday, was so awful that rehashing it just makes me want to cry all over again. Work was absolutely awful; all the children were at their worse. The cherry on top of all this? I ended things with the boy. I just got so sick of his shit. He didn't care about what was bothering me because he never asked. He also didn't care all that much that I was upset. That wasn't ok with me. He didn't really "like" me and the lack of support I got from him on my worse day of work just showed how much I need him to not exist to me.

I cried for a little while and was moody when I woke up this morning.;I felt a small sense of emptiness. It was mostly residue from yesterday's shift. I was a little sad about the boy. I'm bummed that I'm not "with" this kid but I'm sure I'll get over it. I'm tired of settling for less and dating guys that just don't care. So when it happens and I'm left alone again, its not so bad. I didn't waste too much time with this asshole so its not a true loss.

Tomorrow, I'll be able to bitch to my Tacy about my work and love woes. I'll drown myself in work again and dream about Jared Followill to help forget that I'm lonely.

The job fair was a bust; no good employers showed up and I didn't want work at many of the ones that did. I'm desperate but damn I wanna get a job doing something better, not get a job JUST to leave my current position. The interview with The Family Tree went well and I'm going back on Tuesday for a more in depth interview. It'll be good to do some other type of work while doing the shitty job I do. Even though its just a volunteer position, its good to do something else for a change.

Tuesday will be busy. I intend on looking for a job again, opening up a checking account with my credit union and looking for some more college programs to apply to. I really want to go back for criminal justice but I want to talk to someone from the program before I do any applying.

Back to being busy I go.

I'm a Good Kinda Busy

I thought I would take a few minutes to write just because I haven't done it in a while and I'm surprisingly in a good mood.

Tomorrow I'm going to a job fair to look for a new job. I'm hoping I can find at least two or three places that look good. Usually job fairs end in nothing and I come out bummed, but I'm going into this job fair with a new outlook. I have an outfit picked out, my resume has been printed and I'm feeling, all around, pretty damn good about the whole thing. Before I can go to the job fair, I have a meeting with a woman from The Family Tree about volunteer stuffs. I wanted to do something that I can add to my resume so I'm looking into doing some volunteering. I think I really would like to be a Court Appointed Special Advocate that way I can get experience in being in a court room and testifying on behalf of someone else, while using my degree to counsel and mentor.

After seeing the career counselor, I have decided to return to school (Towson University) to major in Criminal Justice (like I shoulda to begin with. Always trust your guts kids, always trust your guts.). I would really like to have a career with the FBI being an analyst so I'll see what this new degree will get me. I feel like I should go ahead and get a Master's degree, but I don't think I want to do social work anymore. Its just nothing something I'm passionate about.

There's isn't a whole lot more going on. Well there is but this is what I am currently working with. Next week, I'm going to call around to Towson Town Center and see if their hiring for X-Mas. I think I want to work part time for the Christmas holiday; I miss it. God, I never thought I'd say that. Ok, off to bed I go because I have a FULL day tomorrow. After the meeting is the job fair, after the job fair is work after work is time with the boy. Saturday I'm sleeping in and setting up the rest of my week, then Sunday after work I'll be spending time with the lovely Ms. Alyson Tacy (@alysontacy).

::loud sigh:: I'm in a good space. Finally.

The Worse Part of a Good Evening

Its 5:17am and I've just had a totally necessary, totally amazing night with a coworker and his wife and friends and I end up feeling like total shit.

I went out with a coworker and his wife and friends, dancing and drinking and having a damn good time. I didn't mind the fact that all his friends were couples because they didn't treat me like a single; they included me in drinks and dancing. I danced my ass off and had a great time. I almost dreaded the time that the night came to an end because I knew how I'd feel afterwards.

I've never written during a drunken state and reading this later, I'll understand. The pain is too much to cope with drunk and I don't know how I'll handle this sober. I feel so alone and lonely. I'm at that point in my drunkenness that I'm re-reading and re-spelling everything to make sure its understandable, but I'm also feeling the most pain. I hate after a good, drunken evening, coming home, alone to no one. Alls I wanna do now is sleep next to someone, even if its a good friend, as to not remind me of how lonely I am on the inside. As I write this blog, I dread and can't look forward enough, to going to bed but I absolutly do NOT want to go there alone.

I'm going to go lay down now, and then fall asleep. The time between actually laying down and falling asleep is so hard to deal with. At the most, I want what the others have: someone to lay next to. But I'm alone, thus falling asleep with not a broken heart but a sad one.

Alcohol is amazing, huh?

The Heart of the Matter

I had a much needed trip to the gyno, which has started a process of thought that left, and still leaves me, perplexed. Thats right, perplexed!
The trip to the gyno was interesting to say the least. Not the trip itself so much as the literature and my state of mind afterwards. Nevermind that I got fingered and molested by a woman with cold instruments and not-so-gentle touch, my worries started with the baby magazines. I know its a Ob/Gyn office, but not everyone who goes there has a soft spot for babies. I did manage to find a TIME magazine, but that was buried underneath a stack of magazines targeted to pregnant women and the things they should buy. Why a simple list of items turned into a magazine, I don't know.

As I sat in the cold examination room in my assed out gown waiting for the torture to begin, I got to thinking of all the baby madness, which led to marriage, which led to dating, which led to the idiot that I sit and wait for and the idiots before him.

I started "dating" this loser (who actually isn't a real loser but...) and he is thismuch interested in me. I'm not a stupid woman who can't tell when her time is up; I'm not going to harass someone about spending time with me. I make efforts to communicate and make dates, the rest is up to the other party. I even stepped out of my comfort zone to keep things interesting and I got nothing back. It brings me back to all the other times I tried to be someone I wasn't to impress or keep someone around. Its time consuming and emotionally draining.

I get that he's "just not that in to me" and that's ok. I'm just sick of dating guys to a point where it gets no where and I'm back at square one. This is just another failed attempt at a "relationship".  It boggles my mind at how people can treat one another, on an emotional level. Granted, we never made our relationship clear, but he can atlesast step up and admit that he either doesn't have time, he's not interested, something. I have done what I needed to on my end, its just left hanging on his.

I don't think I'm asking too much to be liked and respected. There's such a lack of what I call "romantic professionalism". Romantic professionalism includes the rules and ethics of dating and loving. Ever since I ended my relationship with my ex WAAAAAAYYYY back in early 2010, I've dated guys who were missing a sensitivity chip. It takes balls to lead someone on and then disappear. I'm not asking for a box of Kleenex and an explanation, but just an ounce of respect enough to tell me its over.

I can't seem to sustain a relationship long enough to call it just that. I'd blame myself if I was truly to blame but I honestly don't think I'm the problem. I've put myself out there and made myself available. I'm just attracting romantically irresponsible men.

I think I do want to have children, or maybe just one, but in order to get there, I have to find someone I could really see myself having a child with. That seems to be harder than I thought. I don't know where the Ass and I stand at that moment; I could just ask. Why should I do more work to then be rejected? It'd be nice if he'd just speak up. My feelings wouldn't be hurt, because I'd chalk it up as another personal failure. I just don't think its too much to just say something, anything, other than ignoring me and disappearing.

Baby magazines started all this.

Thus they are the devil.

...Aaaaaaaaaaand, this is where I start to take things personally

I haven't written in a hot minute. Its mostly due to my mood. I've also been stuggling with a smidge of writer's block. Believe it or not, for a few days, I didn't have anything to say and I was stuck.

Anyway, I was able to get off my lazy ass and think of something that has recently come to my attention. It actually hasn't just come to my attention, but its rearing its ugly head moreso than it has in the past.

Everyone I know, EVERYONE, is looking for a new job. Or just a job. Two of my coworkers are looking for new jobs. A former classmate is looking a job after having been laid off; another waits tables at a restaurant after graduating with me back in January.

What the hell gives? There are no jobs for people like myself or my friends. We all graduated with a Bachelor's of Science degree, which means that we can read because that's all we did. We don't have any skills. We all have to go to graduate school in order to do something specific and make real money.

While browsing for a new job myself, I saw most places want experience. Why waste your time training someone when you can hire someone who knows already what their doing? I get that, but how can I get experience if places won't hire me? Time is money, and I get that, but help me out here.

I'm qualified for most of the positions on the websites I look for work on. Up to a point; I have a degree which doesn't hurt, but I don't have experience. I know jack about computers, nothing health related and I don't want to manage anyone.

I look at the websites on a daily basis to see if anything new pops up. And nothing does. Day after day I look and hope to see a position just for me. Anything would be nice. A nice desk job would do me good. My friends experience the same thing when they job search. Its really just the saddest thing.

After a while, I have started to take it personally. I feel like businesses are posting jobs that I'm not 100% qualified for. They are all in it together to single me out and make sure that all the jobs that are available are either out of my league or downright unappealing. My friends all feel the same way as well. We all feel like the world is against us, wants us all to stay put at our jobs as the cost of living goes up but our pay doesn't. Job satisfaction doesn't just lay in the pay, its overall frustration with the type of work. What is there to do about it, when you try to look for something that isn't out there and available? And worse, that other people are looking at that same job and wanting it just as bad as you do.

I'm hoping something else can come about, and soon. Applying and not getting feedback or just not having jobs to apply to is starting to get a little old. Its a given that I'll have to go to graduate school in order to make any decent money to survive and have a lifestyle on. Right now, graduate school is the least of my worries, when I have college loans tied to my back from my undergrad. I just want to make a little more than what I make now, somewhere a little nicer. That's not much to ask, no?

I Wanna Know What It'd Be Like...

I have been an avid people watcher for the better part of my life. Quietly, or not so quietly, watching how people interact with each other and themselves has always been something I really enjoy. More and more I see people interacting less with each other and more with themselves. Its easy to be at a party and bury yourself in your phone so you won't have to talk to the people you don't know around you. Isn't that the point of a party? Its also easy to text other people when your standing in line in oppose to making small talk with the person in front of or behind you. My other pet peeve? Listening to the iPod, on the highest volumn level, as if to say,

              "PLEASE do not talk to me, can't you see I'm busy being cool/hipster?"

To be fair, I'm guilty of avoiding people with the cell phone, but not the iPod (I think iPods are the devil). Anywho, I was a smoker for a while, which helped me connect with other smokers and thus a conversation started and a bond began. I have since quit smoking so the only mechanism left is the cell phone.

I don't necessarily use it to text or even call people, I'm moreorless guilty of checking my facebook (if I have the account activated), twitter and worse...CELEBRITY GOSSIP! I'm linked to People.com, Eonline.com, Thefablife.com and dlisted.com. Scary, right?

What happens when you don't have people who text reguarly? If your like me, you stare at your phone until something happens like a high school girl waiting for that boy to call. "A watched pot doesn't boil", yeah no kidding. I figure if I stare at it, it'll ding, hum, or vibrate. If I walk away from it or turn it off, it'll ding, hum or vibrate and I'll have a special surprise waiting for me. #Failure.

Sometimes the overwhelming waiting game becomes slight sadness. I expect one person will be sweet enough to text/call me but that doesn't happen. I usually have to take the initiative and contact someone first; some times I go days without connecting with anyone via technology at all. I'd rather talk to people face-to-face for the most part; silly me for thinking that that's how the world should work. Since the relationship I have with my phone is on the brink of divorce, I have decided that we need a separation to find out if we really need each other.

I'm going to go a few days without the phone and without social networking. Ok, this is where life will start to suck. I have started to become attached to Twitter and less to Facebook. I stalk my favorite celebs in hopes that one of their 140-character tweets will contain the words "I", "love", "@MissJCartier"; I click on the linked photos just because I think it'll make us closer (but seriously Jared Followill, tweet me.) I have never used the pound sign so much in my life.

The internet is the hardest thing to separate from. Its easy to get to via my phone and I can check it EVERYWHERE I WANT!!! Sorry, I must've had a All-Caps Kanye moment.

Living without the phone for a day or two will allow me the type of detachment that everyone needs: A separation from work, not knowing the whereabouts of people who don't really care about their "followers" and not knowing the status updates of people who are your "friends", but only on a website (heaven forbid you actually talk to one another when you see each other on the street). Will this separation cause chills, night sweats, lonliness and a want to reconcile? Or will the separation give me that Baby-Boomer mentality of "I don't understand why people don't hand write letters to one another anymore. Whats a facebook?"

#Wewilljusthavetoseenowwontwe

Dressing Up DOES Feel Good

Today is Labor Day and it totally blows that I had to work, but I wasn't going to let the work or kids get me down. Since I hated having to work today, I thought dressing up would make it all better, and it kinda did.

I read an article a few days about about why a person (particularly a girl) should dress up everyday. I thought all the reasons were good reasons; why not dress up? I didn't know that dressing up could actually make you feel better. I did it today and got a lot of compliments and I also did feel good. (Here's the link by the by) http://www.collegefashion.net/fashion-tips/25-reasons-why-you-should-dress-up-every-day/

I wish I was cool enough to take an awesome photo and post it but I guess I'll have to just describe it. I wore an off-white t-shirt that I got at Victoria's Secret a few years ago, a black blazer I got on sale at Target, a cheetah print scarf from Marshall's, high-waisted, rolled jeans from American Eagle and some flip flops. I wore my hair in a pony tail and wore just eyeliner. Its a bummer I didn't have someone else to dress for, like a hunky dude, BUT I dressed nicely for myself and ended up having a really good day. I think it would've been a little sad if I hadn't put any effort towards my outfit.

Perhaps tomorrow on my day off, I'll dress up again.

The Kardashian Edition

Kim Kardashian "came out" a long time ago, and I have had it out for her ever since. I'm not a huge fan of hers and I find almost everything she does, short of breathing, to be absolutely annoying. EVERYTHING she does is for financial gain and attention. EVERYTHING. I'm half convinced that her marriage is a sham, as is mostly everything her family does. Her wedding seems to be meticulously planned...and clearly her husband is smart enough to let it all happen; I'm sure they pay him handsomely to fake be her husband.

The marriage itself comes at a weird time. Looking at her and her "husband" (the extra large child who looks like he's half retarded. Only half though) makes me uncomfortable. She was with Reggie Bush and I thought they were perfect. Even though I can't stand her, I thought they were so cute together. Ever since she broke up with Reggie, she's kinda dated down; she ended up with someone no one cared about, no one knew and most of all, random.

There was a time a few years when the people around her were doing great "life" things; one sister had a baby and the other got married (after knowing her husband for exactly 4.5 seconds. By far the shortest courtship in the history of life). During the whole wedding special for Khloe and in a few finely timed interviews, Kim said she thought she'd be married with children by the time she was 30.

Coincidence? Hm?

Now she is 30 and viola! She's married. After roughly 6 months of dating, Kim gained a gaudy engagement ring and an even more gaudy husband. Is anyone else but me confused by all this? She wanted a husband by 30 and she got one. When I see Kris Humphries out with her, he looks confused. I don't know if its because he can't believe he got a hot and rich wife or if he just never knows, at any given time, what the hell he's even doing.

Being a pawn in the Kardashian game must be a blessing and curse. To have been THE CHOSEN ONE, is an honor and a huge payoff, but I highly doubt that true love waits behind the doors of the Kardashian/Humpries home. Their "honeymoon" photos looked staged and awkward. Clearly Kris is uncomfortable and probably has little to no clue what the hell he's gotten himself into. As I put my hand on my head, in true clairvoyant form, I start to smell a divorce in the future. They can't possibly stay together too long and I'm sure it'll start to suck hard balls for Kris to be Mr. Kim Kardashian. Lets say they do stay together for a substantial amount of time, it'll most likely be because there's too much money/property to be lost and split up. At the end of the day though, this all seems like some kind of really well planned ploy.

We'll have to see what comes of this madness. It could be legitimate love or just another business venture. Next up is a baby for old Kimmy. With a baby will come a post about how that is too a set up, since nothing Kim does is without a contract for payment.

I wonder what Paris is doing these days....member her?

Good Morning!

Well this morning started off just dandy. I mean that in a non-sarcastic way. Normally I'd wake up in a pissy mood and try to make it work, but I'm actually in a decent mood. This might end up being a good day. Oh wait, I have work. This enthusiasm might decrease the closer I get to having to go to work.

Yesterday work started out pretty badly; I was in SUCH a mood. I feel like the coworkers might be catching on. I can't hide my mood though so I dunno how this is going to work. Who really cares?

I talked to a friend of mine yesterday about my situation and it turns out he's going through something similar. I hadn't seen or heard from him in a few days and it turns out he's been busy at work dealing with the fallout of the hurricane. People calling the Governor and asking him what he's going to do about them not having power has got to be fun. And by fun I mean absolutely dreadful. He's a little better off about finding something different though. He gave me some advice about finding out what I wanna do and now I'm going to look into it. I'm going to take a pre-law class at the community college and look into some criminal justice careers. I think I'm going down the wrong road with this social work garbage. Who wants to work with crazies? (I do....I think)

I'm gonna shower and get some food. I'm taking my niece to the state fair tomorrow (I think) and enjoying the day off. I'd love to have weekends and evenings off; working until ten is getting a wee bit old. In the mean time, lets hope the day is as grand as I feel (for some reason).

Good Job, J

I would like to remember my friend Richard Downy. I found out he passed away on Monday morning (great way to start the week). I met him in OC in 2005 when I moved there the first time. I've seen him a few times since 2005 and he was always having a good time. I don't know yet how he passed away and I'm still keeping my ears open for information about his funeral and if I'll be able to go. I'll miss him so much.

The rest of the week hasn't been any better. The fall/winter blues have kinda kicked in. I don't know if its true depression or what. I can call it out but is it really depression if I can spot it? I've also got some other shit goin on that is contributing to ongoing sadness. I think I might loathe my job, the man situation is going down hill, the school situation didn't work out and I'm growing unhappy with the direction my life is going....just because its going nowhere and I can't seem to move my feet. So I'm stuck and either need a push or get hit by something (preferably something amazing).

I've scheduled an appointment with a counselor AND a career counselor. This is going to cost a pretty penny. It might be worth it all if I can just feel better and get a lil nudge in the right direction.

The Open Road, The Path to Greatness

So....

This is awkward!

I decided to start a blog for two reasons: a) lack of anything substantial in my life and b) I needed an outlet for all this madness.

I graduated a few months ago with my Bachelor's degree. Then it dawned on me that I hadn't done anything remotely awesome in my years as a college student or a human being on this earth. Or so I think. I'd said I wanted to take a year off from all kinds of schooling to focus on chillin out, but for some reason, I applied to graduate school. Why? I have no clue.

I was accepted into a social work program with only 88.4% certainty that that's what I even wanted to do with myself. I got scared and it happened pretty fast. I should've started classes last Monday. I have yet to register. I have yet to care.

So obviously something is wrong. Why did I apply to grad school so soon after graduating, without being 100% sure that graduate school was something I even wanted to do?

Now that registration has come and gone, and clearly I won't be going to school, I am going to do something I should've done months, if not years, ago: I'm gonna chill the hell out, find out how to be happy and then attack it full on.

This may mean not going to graduate school, this may mean working the super stressful job I have now for the next 10 years. I'd rather "waste" time finding what can make me happy, then go forward into a career I'm not sure about.

This is quite possibly the first day of the rest of my life.