"Holding a Grudge Is Letting Someone
Live Rent-Free in Your Head"
Truer words haven't been spoken!
Its funny, forgiveness is. We often times find things so reprehensible that a simple 'I'm sorry' isn't acceptable. What hurts one person, can seem petty to another. How much can someone apologize until the pain is gone? What can a person do to make it better, after having literally hurt your feelings to the core? On the opposite end, how do you let go of a grudge and when is it time to let go?
I have been thinking about grudges and letting go of things. I recently saw Sex and the City movie for the 800th time and the messege I always take away is the messege of forgiveness. It was so hard for Carrie to forgive Big after being stood up at the alter; harder for Charlotte. It was also hard for Miranda to accept Steve's apology. At the end of the movie, everyone made up and moved on, but forgiveness isnt' always like the movies.
Last night, while keeping the messege in mind, I read an article called The Power of Forgiveness in Ebony Magazine. The author talks about how she kicked a grudge and how she needed to understand betrayal in order to understand forgiveness. The article was inspiring because it comes at a time where I'm in the process of letting go of a grudge. The process is far harder than I thought it'd be.
I had a friend that I shared a dream of mine with, and it seemed like as soon as the words exited my mouth, she was off making my dream come true. I can't say how hurt I was that she took my idea, a dream I'd had for months, and carried them out the exact way I'd drawn them out in my mind. After paying her a visit, I couldn't stop thinking of the knife that was carved in my back. Was this jealousy? Perhaps. Was it the fact that my back ached so damn bad from the knife she planted? Perhaps.
I haven't talked to my friend since I last saw her; I have eliminated her from every aspect of my life. She hasn't tried to contact me either, which shows that she doesn't care too much about keeping contact with me either. Or maybe she does and doesn't know how to reach out. There are a million and one reasons why she hasn't tried to get a hold of me.
The grudge I hold against her for stealing my dream, at one point, had a pretty good hold on me. I cried several times over the matter not realizing how mad I actually was. Since having aired my problem to someone who'd listen and remain objective, I felt better but still held a grudge. These days, I'm moving on to the next phases of life, and I don't want to drag on this baggage. So where do I begin with letting go? The journey begins.
The first step I know I have to make is the inner journey. I have to find and then understand, how I feel and why I feel that way. All situations are two-sided and placing all blame on another isn't going to move this process along. I'm more insightful than most, I feel, so this part of the process won't be hard. The reaching out process is what I fear. I don't want to come off like I am attacking her, so I need to find a way to express myself without seeming like this is all completely, 100% her fault and the reason why we don't speak. The inner journey process should also include preparing for the fact that she might not even give a damn about how I feel. Letting go of the grudge is turning out to be a little harder than I thought.
I'm not expecting some big deal to come out of all of this. I may get nothing back from her, I may be pleasantly surprised. I'm not sure I want to be her friend anymore, but I want to get rid of the mountain on my shoulders, so that I can move on, not to necessarily re-start our friendship. As I want to let go of the grudge, I also want her to forgive me. I want her to understand that I am sorry our friendship fell apart and that it had to come to this before I could say something.
Holding a grudge is painful on the inside; an emotion that can be stong and overwhelming, much like loniless or sadness. Its just as hard to overcome and can consume someone physically, mentally and emotionally. Regardless of the outcome, I can at least be pleased that I tried, reached out and attempted to let go of the baggage.
Besides, the only baggage anyone should carry is Louis Vuitton.
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