I had a much needed trip to the gyno, which has started a process of thought that left, and still leaves me, perplexed. Thats right, perplexed!
The trip to the gyno was interesting to say the least. Not the trip itself so much as the literature and my state of mind afterwards. Nevermind that I got fingered and molested by a woman with cold instruments and not-so-gentle touch, my worries started with the baby magazines. I know its a Ob/Gyn office, but not everyone who goes there has a soft spot for babies. I did manage to find a TIME magazine, but that was buried underneath a stack of magazines targeted to pregnant women and the things they should buy. Why a simple list of items turned into a magazine, I don't know.
As I sat in the cold examination room in my assed out gown waiting for the torture to begin, I got to thinking of all the baby madness, which led to marriage, which led to dating, which led to the idiot that I sit and wait for and the idiots before him.
I started "dating" this loser (who actually isn't a real loser but...) and he is thismuch interested in me. I'm not a stupid woman who can't tell when her time is up; I'm not going to harass someone about spending time with me. I make efforts to communicate and make dates, the rest is up to the other party. I even stepped out of my comfort zone to keep things interesting and I got nothing back. It brings me back to all the other times I tried to be someone I wasn't to impress or keep someone around. Its time consuming and emotionally draining.
I get that he's "just not that in to me" and that's ok. I'm just sick of dating guys to a point where it gets no where and I'm back at square one. This is just another failed attempt at a "relationship". It boggles my mind at how people can treat one another, on an emotional level. Granted, we never made our relationship clear, but he can atlesast step up and admit that he either doesn't have time, he's not interested, something. I have done what I needed to on my end, its just left hanging on his.
I don't think I'm asking too much to be liked and respected. There's such a lack of what I call "romantic professionalism". Romantic professionalism includes the rules and ethics of dating and loving. Ever since I ended my relationship with my ex WAAAAAAYYYY back in early 2010, I've dated guys who were missing a sensitivity chip. It takes balls to lead someone on and then disappear. I'm not asking for a box of Kleenex and an explanation, but just an ounce of respect enough to tell me its over.
I can't seem to sustain a relationship long enough to call it just that. I'd blame myself if I was truly to blame but I honestly don't think I'm the problem. I've put myself out there and made myself available. I'm just attracting romantically irresponsible men.
I think I do want to have children, or maybe just one, but in order to get there, I have to find someone I could really see myself having a child with. That seems to be harder than I thought. I don't know where the Ass and I stand at that moment; I could just ask. Why should I do more work to then be rejected? It'd be nice if he'd just speak up. My feelings wouldn't be hurt, because I'd chalk it up as another personal failure. I just don't think its too much to just say something, anything, other than ignoring me and disappearing.
Baby magazines started all this.
Thus they are the devil.
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