I had a much needed trip to the gyno, which has started a process of thought that left, and still leaves me, perplexed. Thats right, perplexed!
The trip to the gyno was interesting to say the least. Not the trip itself so much as the literature and my state of mind afterwards. Nevermind that I got fingered and molested by a woman with cold instruments and not-so-gentle touch, my worries started with the baby magazines. I know its a Ob/Gyn office, but not everyone who goes there has a soft spot for babies. I did manage to find a TIME magazine, but that was buried underneath a stack of magazines targeted to pregnant women and the things they should buy. Why a simple list of items turned into a magazine, I don't know.
As I sat in the cold examination room in my assed out gown waiting for the torture to begin, I got to thinking of all the baby madness, which led to marriage, which led to dating, which led to the idiot that I sit and wait for and the idiots before him.
I started "dating" this loser (who actually isn't a real loser but...) and he is thismuch interested in me. I'm not a stupid woman who can't tell when her time is up; I'm not going to harass someone about spending time with me. I make efforts to communicate and make dates, the rest is up to the other party. I even stepped out of my comfort zone to keep things interesting and I got nothing back. It brings me back to all the other times I tried to be someone I wasn't to impress or keep someone around. Its time consuming and emotionally draining.
I get that he's "just not that in to me" and that's ok. I'm just sick of dating guys to a point where it gets no where and I'm back at square one. This is just another failed attempt at a "relationship". It boggles my mind at how people can treat one another, on an emotional level. Granted, we never made our relationship clear, but he can atlesast step up and admit that he either doesn't have time, he's not interested, something. I have done what I needed to on my end, its just left hanging on his.
I don't think I'm asking too much to be liked and respected. There's such a lack of what I call "romantic professionalism". Romantic professionalism includes the rules and ethics of dating and loving. Ever since I ended my relationship with my ex WAAAAAAYYYY back in early 2010, I've dated guys who were missing a sensitivity chip. It takes balls to lead someone on and then disappear. I'm not asking for a box of Kleenex and an explanation, but just an ounce of respect enough to tell me its over.
I can't seem to sustain a relationship long enough to call it just that. I'd blame myself if I was truly to blame but I honestly don't think I'm the problem. I've put myself out there and made myself available. I'm just attracting romantically irresponsible men.
I think I do want to have children, or maybe just one, but in order to get there, I have to find someone I could really see myself having a child with. That seems to be harder than I thought. I don't know where the Ass and I stand at that moment; I could just ask. Why should I do more work to then be rejected? It'd be nice if he'd just speak up. My feelings wouldn't be hurt, because I'd chalk it up as another personal failure. I just don't think its too much to just say something, anything, other than ignoring me and disappearing.
Baby magazines started all this.
Thus they are the devil.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
...Aaaaaaaaaaand, this is where I start to take things personally
I haven't written in a hot minute. Its mostly due to my mood. I've also been stuggling with a smidge of writer's block. Believe it or not, for a few days, I didn't have anything to say and I was stuck.
Anyway, I was able to get off my lazy ass and think of something that has recently come to my attention. It actually hasn't just come to my attention, but its rearing its ugly head moreso than it has in the past.
Everyone I know, EVERYONE, is looking for a new job. Or just a job. Two of my coworkers are looking for new jobs. A former classmate is looking a job after having been laid off; another waits tables at a restaurant after graduating with me back in January.
What the hell gives? There are no jobs for people like myself or my friends. We all graduated with a Bachelor's of Science degree, which means that we can read because that's all we did. We don't have any skills. We all have to go to graduate school in order to do something specific and make real money.
While browsing for a new job myself, I saw most places want experience. Why waste your time training someone when you can hire someone who knows already what their doing? I get that, but how can I get experience if places won't hire me? Time is money, and I get that, but help me out here.
I'm qualified for most of the positions on the websites I look for work on. Up to a point; I have a degree which doesn't hurt, but I don't have experience. I know jack about computers, nothing health related and I don't want to manage anyone.
I look at the websites on a daily basis to see if anything new pops up. And nothing does. Day after day I look and hope to see a position just for me. Anything would be nice. A nice desk job would do me good. My friends experience the same thing when they job search. Its really just the saddest thing.
After a while, I have started to take it personally. I feel like businesses are posting jobs that I'm not 100% qualified for. They are all in it together to single me out and make sure that all the jobs that are available are either out of my league or downright unappealing. My friends all feel the same way as well. We all feel like the world is against us, wants us all to stay put at our jobs as the cost of living goes up but our pay doesn't. Job satisfaction doesn't just lay in the pay, its overall frustration with the type of work. What is there to do about it, when you try to look for something that isn't out there and available? And worse, that other people are looking at that same job and wanting it just as bad as you do.
I'm hoping something else can come about, and soon. Applying and not getting feedback or just not having jobs to apply to is starting to get a little old. Its a given that I'll have to go to graduate school in order to make any decent money to survive and have a lifestyle on. Right now, graduate school is the least of my worries, when I have college loans tied to my back from my undergrad. I just want to make a little more than what I make now, somewhere a little nicer. That's not much to ask, no?
Anyway, I was able to get off my lazy ass and think of something that has recently come to my attention. It actually hasn't just come to my attention, but its rearing its ugly head moreso than it has in the past.
Everyone I know, EVERYONE, is looking for a new job. Or just a job. Two of my coworkers are looking for new jobs. A former classmate is looking a job after having been laid off; another waits tables at a restaurant after graduating with me back in January.
What the hell gives? There are no jobs for people like myself or my friends. We all graduated with a Bachelor's of Science degree, which means that we can read because that's all we did. We don't have any skills. We all have to go to graduate school in order to do something specific and make real money.
While browsing for a new job myself, I saw most places want experience. Why waste your time training someone when you can hire someone who knows already what their doing? I get that, but how can I get experience if places won't hire me? Time is money, and I get that, but help me out here.
I'm qualified for most of the positions on the websites I look for work on. Up to a point; I have a degree which doesn't hurt, but I don't have experience. I know jack about computers, nothing health related and I don't want to manage anyone.
I look at the websites on a daily basis to see if anything new pops up. And nothing does. Day after day I look and hope to see a position just for me. Anything would be nice. A nice desk job would do me good. My friends experience the same thing when they job search. Its really just the saddest thing.
After a while, I have started to take it personally. I feel like businesses are posting jobs that I'm not 100% qualified for. They are all in it together to single me out and make sure that all the jobs that are available are either out of my league or downright unappealing. My friends all feel the same way as well. We all feel like the world is against us, wants us all to stay put at our jobs as the cost of living goes up but our pay doesn't. Job satisfaction doesn't just lay in the pay, its overall frustration with the type of work. What is there to do about it, when you try to look for something that isn't out there and available? And worse, that other people are looking at that same job and wanting it just as bad as you do.
I'm hoping something else can come about, and soon. Applying and not getting feedback or just not having jobs to apply to is starting to get a little old. Its a given that I'll have to go to graduate school in order to make any decent money to survive and have a lifestyle on. Right now, graduate school is the least of my worries, when I have college loans tied to my back from my undergrad. I just want to make a little more than what I make now, somewhere a little nicer. That's not much to ask, no?
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
I Wanna Know What It'd Be Like...
I have been an avid people watcher for the better part of my life. Quietly, or not so quietly, watching how people interact with each other and themselves has always been something I really enjoy. More and more I see people interacting less with each other and more with themselves. Its easy to be at a party and bury yourself in your phone so you won't have to talk to the people you don't know around you. Isn't that the point of a party? Its also easy to text other people when your standing in line in oppose to making small talk with the person in front of or behind you. My other pet peeve? Listening to the iPod, on the highest volumn level, as if to say,
"PLEASE do not talk to me, can't you see I'm busy being cool/hipster?"
To be fair, I'm guilty of avoiding people with the cell phone, but not the iPod (I think iPods are the devil). Anywho, I was a smoker for a while, which helped me connect with other smokers and thus a conversation started and a bond began. I have since quit smoking so the only mechanism left is the cell phone.
I don't necessarily use it to text or even call people, I'm moreorless guilty of checking my facebook (if I have the account activated), twitter and worse...CELEBRITY GOSSIP! I'm linked to People.com, Eonline.com, Thefablife.com and dlisted.com. Scary, right?
What happens when you don't have people who text reguarly? If your like me, you stare at your phone until something happens like a high school girl waiting for that boy to call. "A watched pot doesn't boil", yeah no kidding. I figure if I stare at it, it'll ding, hum, or vibrate. If I walk away from it or turn it off, it'll ding, hum or vibrate and I'll have a special surprise waiting for me. #Failure.
Sometimes the overwhelming waiting game becomes slight sadness. I expect one person will be sweet enough to text/call me but that doesn't happen. I usually have to take the initiative and contact someone first; some times I go days without connecting with anyone via technology at all. I'd rather talk to people face-to-face for the most part; silly me for thinking that that's how the world should work. Since the relationship I have with my phone is on the brink of divorce, I have decided that we need a separation to find out if we really need each other.
I'm going to go a few days without the phone and without social networking. Ok, this is where life will start to suck. I have started to become attached to Twitter and less to Facebook. I stalk my favorite celebs in hopes that one of their 140-character tweets will contain the words "I", "love", "@MissJCartier"; I click on the linked photos just because I think it'll make us closer (but seriously Jared Followill, tweet me.) I have never used the pound sign so much in my life.
The internet is the hardest thing to separate from. Its easy to get to via my phone and I can check it EVERYWHERE I WANT!!! Sorry, I must've had a All-Caps Kanye moment.
Living without the phone for a day or two will allow me the type of detachment that everyone needs: A separation from work, not knowing the whereabouts of people who don't really care about their "followers" and not knowing the status updates of people who are your "friends", but only on a website (heaven forbid you actually talk to one another when you see each other on the street). Will this separation cause chills, night sweats, lonliness and a want to reconcile? Or will the separation give me that Baby-Boomer mentality of "I don't understand why people don't hand write letters to one another anymore. Whats a facebook?"
#Wewilljusthavetoseenowwontwe
"PLEASE do not talk to me, can't you see I'm busy being cool/hipster?"
To be fair, I'm guilty of avoiding people with the cell phone, but not the iPod (I think iPods are the devil). Anywho, I was a smoker for a while, which helped me connect with other smokers and thus a conversation started and a bond began. I have since quit smoking so the only mechanism left is the cell phone.
I don't necessarily use it to text or even call people, I'm moreorless guilty of checking my facebook (if I have the account activated), twitter and worse...CELEBRITY GOSSIP! I'm linked to People.com, Eonline.com, Thefablife.com and dlisted.com. Scary, right?
What happens when you don't have people who text reguarly? If your like me, you stare at your phone until something happens like a high school girl waiting for that boy to call. "A watched pot doesn't boil", yeah no kidding. I figure if I stare at it, it'll ding, hum, or vibrate. If I walk away from it or turn it off, it'll ding, hum or vibrate and I'll have a special surprise waiting for me. #Failure.
Sometimes the overwhelming waiting game becomes slight sadness. I expect one person will be sweet enough to text/call me but that doesn't happen. I usually have to take the initiative and contact someone first; some times I go days without connecting with anyone via technology at all. I'd rather talk to people face-to-face for the most part; silly me for thinking that that's how the world should work. Since the relationship I have with my phone is on the brink of divorce, I have decided that we need a separation to find out if we really need each other.
I'm going to go a few days without the phone and without social networking. Ok, this is where life will start to suck. I have started to become attached to Twitter and less to Facebook. I stalk my favorite celebs in hopes that one of their 140-character tweets will contain the words "I", "love", "@MissJCartier"; I click on the linked photos just because I think it'll make us closer (but seriously Jared Followill, tweet me.) I have never used the pound sign so much in my life.
The internet is the hardest thing to separate from. Its easy to get to via my phone and I can check it EVERYWHERE I WANT!!! Sorry, I must've had a All-Caps Kanye moment.
Living without the phone for a day or two will allow me the type of detachment that everyone needs: A separation from work, not knowing the whereabouts of people who don't really care about their "followers" and not knowing the status updates of people who are your "friends", but only on a website (heaven forbid you actually talk to one another when you see each other on the street). Will this separation cause chills, night sweats, lonliness and a want to reconcile? Or will the separation give me that Baby-Boomer mentality of "I don't understand why people don't hand write letters to one another anymore. Whats a facebook?"
#Wewilljusthavetoseenowwontwe
Monday, September 5, 2011
Dressing Up DOES Feel Good
Today is Labor Day and it totally blows that I had to work, but I wasn't going to let the work or kids get me down. Since I hated having to work today, I thought dressing up would make it all better, and it kinda did.
I read an article a few days about about why a person (particularly a girl) should dress up everyday. I thought all the reasons were good reasons; why not dress up? I didn't know that dressing up could actually make you feel better. I did it today and got a lot of compliments and I also did feel good. (Here's the link by the by) http://www.collegefashion.net/fashion-tips/25-reasons-why-you-should-dress-up-every-day/
I wish I was cool enough to take an awesome photo and post it but I guess I'll have to just describe it. I wore an off-white t-shirt that I got at Victoria's Secret a few years ago, a black blazer I got on sale at Target, a cheetah print scarf from Marshall's, high-waisted, rolled jeans from American Eagle and some flip flops. I wore my hair in a pony tail and wore just eyeliner. Its a bummer I didn't have someone else to dress for, like a hunky dude, BUT I dressed nicely for myself and ended up having a really good day. I think it would've been a little sad if I hadn't put any effort towards my outfit.
Perhaps tomorrow on my day off, I'll dress up again.
I read an article a few days about about why a person (particularly a girl) should dress up everyday. I thought all the reasons were good reasons; why not dress up? I didn't know that dressing up could actually make you feel better. I did it today and got a lot of compliments and I also did feel good. (Here's the link by the by) http://www.collegefashion.net/fashion-tips/25-reasons-why-you-should-dress-up-every-day/
I wish I was cool enough to take an awesome photo and post it but I guess I'll have to just describe it. I wore an off-white t-shirt that I got at Victoria's Secret a few years ago, a black blazer I got on sale at Target, a cheetah print scarf from Marshall's, high-waisted, rolled jeans from American Eagle and some flip flops. I wore my hair in a pony tail and wore just eyeliner. Its a bummer I didn't have someone else to dress for, like a hunky dude, BUT I dressed nicely for myself and ended up having a really good day. I think it would've been a little sad if I hadn't put any effort towards my outfit.
Perhaps tomorrow on my day off, I'll dress up again.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
The Kardashian Edition
Kim Kardashian "came out" a long time ago, and I have had it out for her ever since. I'm not a huge fan of hers and I find almost everything she does, short of breathing, to be absolutely annoying. EVERYTHING she does is for financial gain and attention. EVERYTHING. I'm half convinced that her marriage is a sham, as is mostly everything her family does. Her wedding seems to be meticulously planned...and clearly her husband is smart enough to let it all happen; I'm sure they pay him handsomely to fake be her husband.
The marriage itself comes at a weird time. Looking at her and her "husband" (the extra large child who looks like he's half retarded. Only half though) makes me uncomfortable. She was with Reggie Bush and I thought they were perfect. Even though I can't stand her, I thought they were so cute together. Ever since she broke up with Reggie, she's kinda dated down; she ended up with someone no one cared about, no one knew and most of all, random.
There was a time a few years when the people around her were doing great "life" things; one sister had a baby and the other got married (after knowing her husband for exactly 4.5 seconds. By far the shortest courtship in the history of life). During the whole wedding special for Khloe and in a few finely timed interviews, Kim said she thought she'd be married with children by the time she was 30.
Coincidence? Hm?
Now she is 30 and viola! She's married. After roughly 6 months of dating, Kim gained a gaudy engagement ring and an even more gaudy husband. Is anyone else but me confused by all this? She wanted a husband by 30 and she got one. When I see Kris Humphries out with her, he looks confused. I don't know if its because he can't believe he got a hot and rich wife or if he just never knows, at any given time, what the hell he's even doing.
Being a pawn in the Kardashian game must be a blessing and curse. To have been THE CHOSEN ONE, is an honor and a huge payoff, but I highly doubt that true love waits behind the doors of the Kardashian/Humpries home. Their "honeymoon" photos looked staged and awkward. Clearly Kris is uncomfortable and probably has little to no clue what the hell he's gotten himself into. As I put my hand on my head, in true clairvoyant form, I start to smell a divorce in the future. They can't possibly stay together too long and I'm sure it'll start to suck hard balls for Kris to be Mr. Kim Kardashian. Lets say they do stay together for a substantial amount of time, it'll most likely be because there's too much money/property to be lost and split up. At the end of the day though, this all seems like some kind of really well planned ploy.
We'll have to see what comes of this madness. It could be legitimate love or just another business venture. Next up is a baby for old Kimmy. With a baby will come a post about how that is too a set up, since nothing Kim does is without a contract for payment.
I wonder what Paris is doing these days....member her?
The marriage itself comes at a weird time. Looking at her and her "husband" (the extra large child who looks like he's half retarded. Only half though) makes me uncomfortable. She was with Reggie Bush and I thought they were perfect. Even though I can't stand her, I thought they were so cute together. Ever since she broke up with Reggie, she's kinda dated down; she ended up with someone no one cared about, no one knew and most of all, random.
There was a time a few years when the people around her were doing great "life" things; one sister had a baby and the other got married (after knowing her husband for exactly 4.5 seconds. By far the shortest courtship in the history of life). During the whole wedding special for Khloe and in a few finely timed interviews, Kim said she thought she'd be married with children by the time she was 30.
Coincidence? Hm?
Now she is 30 and viola! She's married. After roughly 6 months of dating, Kim gained a gaudy engagement ring and an even more gaudy husband. Is anyone else but me confused by all this? She wanted a husband by 30 and she got one. When I see Kris Humphries out with her, he looks confused. I don't know if its because he can't believe he got a hot and rich wife or if he just never knows, at any given time, what the hell he's even doing.
Being a pawn in the Kardashian game must be a blessing and curse. To have been THE CHOSEN ONE, is an honor and a huge payoff, but I highly doubt that true love waits behind the doors of the Kardashian/Humpries home. Their "honeymoon" photos looked staged and awkward. Clearly Kris is uncomfortable and probably has little to no clue what the hell he's gotten himself into. As I put my hand on my head, in true clairvoyant form, I start to smell a divorce in the future. They can't possibly stay together too long and I'm sure it'll start to suck hard balls for Kris to be Mr. Kim Kardashian. Lets say they do stay together for a substantial amount of time, it'll most likely be because there's too much money/property to be lost and split up. At the end of the day though, this all seems like some kind of really well planned ploy.
We'll have to see what comes of this madness. It could be legitimate love or just another business venture. Next up is a baby for old Kimmy. With a baby will come a post about how that is too a set up, since nothing Kim does is without a contract for payment.
I wonder what Paris is doing these days....member her?
Friday, September 2, 2011
Good Morning!
Well this morning started off just dandy. I mean that in a non-sarcastic way. Normally I'd wake up in a pissy mood and try to make it work, but I'm actually in a decent mood. This might end up being a good day. Oh wait, I have work. This enthusiasm might decrease the closer I get to having to go to work.
Yesterday work started out pretty badly; I was in SUCH a mood. I feel like the coworkers might be catching on. I can't hide my mood though so I dunno how this is going to work. Who really cares?
I talked to a friend of mine yesterday about my situation and it turns out he's going through something similar. I hadn't seen or heard from him in a few days and it turns out he's been busy at work dealing with the fallout of the hurricane. People calling the Governor and asking him what he's going to do about them not having power has got to be fun. And by fun I mean absolutely dreadful. He's a little better off about finding something different though. He gave me some advice about finding out what I wanna do and now I'm going to look into it. I'm going to take a pre-law class at the community college and look into some criminal justice careers. I think I'm going down the wrong road with this social work garbage. Who wants to work with crazies? (I do....I think)
I'm gonna shower and get some food. I'm taking my niece to the state fair tomorrow (I think) and enjoying the day off. I'd love to have weekends and evenings off; working until ten is getting a wee bit old. In the mean time, lets hope the day is as grand as I feel (for some reason).
Yesterday work started out pretty badly; I was in SUCH a mood. I feel like the coworkers might be catching on. I can't hide my mood though so I dunno how this is going to work. Who really cares?
I talked to a friend of mine yesterday about my situation and it turns out he's going through something similar. I hadn't seen or heard from him in a few days and it turns out he's been busy at work dealing with the fallout of the hurricane. People calling the Governor and asking him what he's going to do about them not having power has got to be fun. And by fun I mean absolutely dreadful. He's a little better off about finding something different though. He gave me some advice about finding out what I wanna do and now I'm going to look into it. I'm going to take a pre-law class at the community college and look into some criminal justice careers. I think I'm going down the wrong road with this social work garbage. Who wants to work with crazies? (I do....I think)
I'm gonna shower and get some food. I'm taking my niece to the state fair tomorrow (I think) and enjoying the day off. I'd love to have weekends and evenings off; working until ten is getting a wee bit old. In the mean time, lets hope the day is as grand as I feel (for some reason).
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Good Job, J
I would like to remember my friend Richard Downy. I found out he passed away on Monday morning (great way to start the week). I met him in OC in 2005 when I moved there the first time. I've seen him a few times since 2005 and he was always having a good time. I don't know yet how he passed away and I'm still keeping my ears open for information about his funeral and if I'll be able to go. I'll miss him so much.
The rest of the week hasn't been any better. The fall/winter blues have kinda kicked in. I don't know if its true depression or what. I can call it out but is it really depression if I can spot it? I've also got some other shit goin on that is contributing to ongoing sadness. I think I might loathe my job, the man situation is going down hill, the school situation didn't work out and I'm growing unhappy with the direction my life is going....just because its going nowhere and I can't seem to move my feet. So I'm stuck and either need a push or get hit by something (preferably something amazing).
I've scheduled an appointment with a counselor AND a career counselor. This is going to cost a pretty penny. It might be worth it all if I can just feel better and get a lil nudge in the right direction.
The rest of the week hasn't been any better. The fall/winter blues have kinda kicked in. I don't know if its true depression or what. I can call it out but is it really depression if I can spot it? I've also got some other shit goin on that is contributing to ongoing sadness. I think I might loathe my job, the man situation is going down hill, the school situation didn't work out and I'm growing unhappy with the direction my life is going....just because its going nowhere and I can't seem to move my feet. So I'm stuck and either need a push or get hit by something (preferably something amazing).
I've scheduled an appointment with a counselor AND a career counselor. This is going to cost a pretty penny. It might be worth it all if I can just feel better and get a lil nudge in the right direction.
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